Why We Fight the Way We Do – And How AI Can Help Us Fight Better

By Anshika Srivastava•May 28, 2025
Conflict and AI Illustration
Conflict is natural — but how we handle it defines outcomes. Drawing from the Thomas-Kilmann model, this post explores five conflict styles and how AI can enhance our responses. Discover how understanding your style, and using AI to support rather than replace human nuance, can turn confrontation into collaboration.

“It’s not about the fight. It’s about how we fight.”

Conflict is part of being human. At work, in relationships, or even in group chats — disagreements are inevitable. But have you ever noticed how some people shut down, while others become aggressive? Some try to "win" the argument, while others give in without a word?

It turns out, there's a science to all of this.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI)

Developed by psychologists Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann, the TKI model identifies five primary conflict-handling styles. Each of us leans toward one (or more), especially when emotions run high.

These styles aren’t good or bad, just different tools in the toolbox. At the heart of TKI are two traits:

  • Assertiveness – How much you try to satisfy your own concerns
  • Cooperativeness – How much you try to satisfy others’ concerns

The Five Conflict Modes

1. Competing – “I’m right. End of story.”

(High Assertiveness, Low Cooperativeness)

You push for your perspective and don't back down.

  • Great when: Fast, firm decisions are critical.
  • Watch out: Can come off as aggressive or controlling.
  • You might be competing if: You talk over others or always need the last word.

2. Accommodating – “It’s okay, I’ll adjust.”

(Low Assertiveness, High Cooperativeness)

You’re the peacemaker, letting go of your needs to keep the peace.

  • Great when: The relationship matters more than the issue.
  • Watch out: Chronic accommodation can build silent resentment.
  • You might be accommodating if: You say “yes” but feel a little crushed inside.

3. Avoiding – “Let’s not do this now.”

(Low Assertiveness, Low Cooperativeness)

You’d rather ghost the conflict altogether.

  • Great when: Emotions are too high or the issue is minor.
  • Watch out: Long-term avoidance leads to unresolved tensions.
  • You might be avoiding if: You replay arguments in your head but never say them out loud.

4. Compromising – “Let’s split the difference.”

(Medium Assertiveness, Medium Cooperativeness)

You seek a quick, middle-ground solution.

  • Great when: Time is short and both sides are flexible.
  • Watch out: May miss deeper solutions in complex situations.
  • You might be compromising if: You often say, “Let’s meet halfway” even with strong opinions.

5. Collaborating – “Let’s figure this out together.”

(High Assertiveness, High Cooperativeness)

You fully engage to find a win-win solution.

  • Great when: There’s time and trust to explore creative solutions.
  • Watch out: It’s effort-intensive and not always realistic.
  • You might be collaborating if: You enjoy tough conversations and value shared wins.

So, Where Does AI Fit Into All This?

Real conflicts often happen in person — when emotions rise before logic can catch up. That’s where it gets messy. And that’s exactly where AI can help.

Imagine an AI that doesn’t just listen but senses emotional shifts, understands conflict patterns, and acts like a grounded presence in the room. One that helps people pause, reflect, and respond instead of react.

At ResolveWithAI, we’re building that presence. Not to replace the human element but to support it.

  • To help people stay curious instead of defensive
  • To help conversations move forward, not break down
  • To turn confrontation into collaboration

Final Thought

Most of us never got formal training on how to fight well. Understanding your own conflict style is a powerful first step.

What’s your default conflict mode? Has it helped or hurt you in tough conversations?

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